Today I broke up with Mansley, the dark blob of energy that resides in my house.
No, it’s not a ghost or an actual entity. It is the contained form I’ve assigned to the energy that comes with societal pressures and expectations that insist we all contort ourselves to fit into the system.
For most of my life I’ve unknowingly relied on my masculine energy. I didn’t realize I was doing this until a few months ago. It made sense to do so when it all started. As a person who was impacted by abuse in my childhood I moved through life with a perceived need to protect and defend myself. I was closed off from my emotions and true connection. I wanted certainty and concrete answers. If I couldn’t barrel down a straight line from point A to point B, the whole path was stupid and poorly designed.
It wasn’t hard to go through life as a woman “wearing the pants” of masculine energy.
In fact in this male-dominated society, it was often rewarded. As a result, I never stopped to question the system itself. As I’ve continued my journey of healing and Self-discovery I intentionally began surrounding myself with women and the feminine divine. I won’t lie, it was uncomfortable at first.
Women talk about different things than men – they even talk differently in the different things they talk about. Women move and think and connect and seek and hunger differently than men. As strange as it may sound (given that I am, indeed, a woman, myself), I felt out of place in these feminine spaces draped with soft, colorful fabric, fluffy throw-pillows and intoxicating scents. Luckily, I am no stranger to discomfort, so I stuck it out.
What I’ve realized during my time living and learning with these amazing women is that we are asked to thrive in a system that was set up to support masculine traits:
Independence, strength, powering-through, conclusive certainty, linear action, concrete measurable goals, and disconnecting from the self to speed up the task.
Because men created the system and it’s all we’ve known for the last few generation, it is considered “normal”. It is seen as THE system instead of A system. Anything that falls outside of it is seen as abnormal, incorrect, foolish and unrealistic.
That belief and the pressures and expectations that come with it are Mansley, the dark blob that resides in my home, with whom I am parting ways.
So this morning I stood in my living room and spoke to the blob,
It’s not you, Mansley, and it’s not me either. Nothing is inherently “wrong” with either of us. We just don’t fit anymore. Our time together has come to an organic end. To extend it would be harmful to my health, joyousness and purpose. I honor your role for those it is appropriate for. Thank you for all the ways you have contributed to where I am today, to who I am today. Moving forward, I ask that you don’t contact me anymore.
Now, if you’ve ever broken up with anyone, you likely know that sometimes it can be really hard to stay away.
There is a lot of history and habit there. Even if it isn’t healthy, it can feel like home. Which is why I am sharing this with you – my loving, supportive community of amazing, powerful, women who embody the divine feminine in more ways than I ever imagined. I don’t want to fall back into Mansley’s dark, blobby tentacles. The interaction has shifted from embrace to strangulation. It doesn’t make sense for me to struggle so much in a system that simply wasn’t designed for me and my natural feminine traits. It isn’t THE system nor the ONLY way to live well. It is not healthy or helpful for me. I don’t want this anymore. I want this breakup to stick.